the shadow proves the sunshine (excerpts from a memoir)

the following is an excerpt from a book i wrote this summer called the shadow of nature’s gold– i will post other portions periodically and am interested to know what you think- this part is from chapter 7

Endless introspection creates a prison of indecision where every move is monitored by the warden who walks the halls of inconclusive thoughts rattling his nightstick on the prison cell bars. Thump, thump (goes the nightstick) you are worthless, he says. Clang, clang, there is something wrong with you. Pausing at my cell with fiery eyes he whispers in my mind, you crestfallen soul are mine and you are finished! No one will find you here, no one will seek you out and even if they could scale the thick walls of your self-loathing then they would find a wretched, malformed, excretion of a man whose crooked soul should remain in the cage where they found him!

Within the clutches of depression colors lose their vibrancy slowly drifting into grey, night mixing with morning until every living moment becomes a disappointment in a dull parade of people with pointless lives wandering through aimless conversations. Sort of like Wal- Mart at two thirty in the morning when the soft hum of the floor sweeper lulls the sedated customers into a mysteries and disturbing waltz as if everyone is zoned out on tryptophan and everyday is Thanksgiving and nobody has any idea how they got here, who they are, or why they are wearing sweat pants.

Depression is a dance with yourself leading nowhere and accomplishing nothing. There is no bright side, no hope, no way to navigate because everything is grey, lifeless, barren, and void and if by some chance or miracle a sign appeared in the sky it would only serve as a reminder to your beleaguered heart that for some there is escape but for you there never is, or was, or will be. You are a prisoner to the shadows. You do what the sickness says until one day you don’t. One day you say I’m going to quit my job and grab my gear and hike into the wilderness with or without you. I’m going to do something. I don’t care if the sky is grey and the earth is ash I am going to live, I am choosing to move, I am grabbing something else and I am looking for God.


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